Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
went fishing caught a bass
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”