Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??