*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
rapatouille
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”