You Might Also Like
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.