me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You Might Also Like
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Me buying fruit and veg
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF