[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.