DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving