Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

😂

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.