my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
adam and eve had first world problems
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Oh my god
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet