My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’m confused about plants
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
#DesignFail
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks