I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
But I really needed water water water
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.