My blood type is coffee.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.