[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything