Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
We like the way Dwight thinks
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that