creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
every. time.