a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Why font matters.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Not helping
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.