This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
how to exercise your calf muscles