I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I love wikipedia
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.