*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
is this meant to deter me
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.