Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now