put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Respect
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?