mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
japanese corn
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like