My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
#parenting
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex