Ron is short for Aaronald
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
every college guy’s fridge
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I beg your pardon?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/