Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I don’t make the rules sorry
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….