FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse