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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”