They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.