I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now