A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂