Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
philosophical skeletons be like
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.