When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.