When I said I liked it rough.
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor