If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Mad Max Arctic Road
this came to me in a vision
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The Onion called it…again.