Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Cause of death: Zumba
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs