My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership