*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Oops I deleted….
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.