Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
You Might Also Like
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor