I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck