Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.