Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
We are the people our parents warned us about.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.