I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
It’s a gift
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”