Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
You Might Also Like
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Come back with a warrant
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Home #decor warning.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine