Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
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[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Hotels are back
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT