the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.