I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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😂😂😂
Hit me in the face with a bird
BaD BoY!!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore