Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
secret recipe
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her