I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
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I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from