satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.