FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea